I always have that constant fear. Permanent fear, I think. I’m scared of making mistake. Though I clearly know that living with such fear, will only make you end up in doing nothing.

With the current boyfriend I have, I’ve been staying for this long. We’ve been through almost everything more than one year—14 months and 14 days, to be precise. We’ve been through the worst and the best, along with me, making mistakes in the relationship. It seems that making mistakes here and there is something that I keep doing no matter how bad it all was. It seems that I’m powerless and brainless, for not learning from mistakes after mistakes.

And see what I do now; I stay with him after he forgave me like, thousand times. I should’ve let him go or leave him—since I can’t see him suffers from forgiving my mistakes. But I stay, instead. I risk every single piece of myself by staying and could possibly been hurt by seeing him suffered from keep forgiving my constant mistakes.

I stay because I love him. But I can’t do this anymore as long as I can’t control what I’m gonna say, act, or instantly think. I get jealous many times, I get on my nerves, I get upset, I get angry, I lose my patience most of the time. I’m only human. No, I’m not only human. I’m a bad—or even worse—kind of a human.

It seems that I am the bad guy here. I’m screwed. I’m a total mess. I’m terrifying.