I always have that constant fear. Permanent fear, I think. I’m scared of making mistake. Though I clearly know that living with such fear, will only make you end up in doing nothing.

With the current boyfriend I have, I’ve been staying for this long. We’ve been through almost everything more than one year—14 months and 14 days, to be precise. We’ve been through the worst and the best, along with me, making mistakes in the relationship. It seems that making mistakes here and there is something that I keep doing no matter how bad it all was. It seems that I’m powerless and brainless, for not learning from mistakes after mistakes.

And see what I do now; I stay with him after he forgave me like, thousand times. I should’ve let him go or leave him—since I can’t see him suffers from forgiving my mistakes. But I stay, instead. I risk every single piece of myself by staying and could possibly been hurt by seeing him suffered from keep forgiving my constant mistakes.

I stay because I love him. But I can’t do this anymore as long as I can’t control what I’m gonna say, act, or instantly think. I get jealous many times, I get on my nerves, I get upset, I get angry, I lose my patience most of the time. I’m only human. No, I’m not only human. I’m a bad—or even worse—kind of a human.

It seems that I am the bad guy here. I’m screwed. I’m a total mess. I’m terrifying.

Saya baru pindah rumah tanggal 16 februari kemarin. Ngga jauh, sih dari rumah saya yang lama tapi tetep aja rasanya beda banget karena tetangganya beda dan sekarang posisi rumahnya di kompleks perumahan, ngga di pinggir jalan lagi kayak kemarin.

Malemnya saya ngga bisa tidur. Saya gelisah setengah mati. Kejadian-kejadian penting pun kembali diperlihatkan. Yang pahit, yang manis, yang nyebelin, yang ngangenin... 

Ditembak via telfon (culun amat ya saya dulu??), diputusin di chatroom sama cowok yang sama, berantem di telfon sama pacar yang sekarang, berkasih di sana, semuanya jadi lucu kalo diinget-inget lagi.

Pagi itu saya bangun karena berisik orang-orang yang mulai ngangkutin koper dan kardus-kardus yang malem sebelumnya udah disusun di ruang tamu. Satu-satu barang mulai dikeluarin. Ruang-ruang mulai kosong. Tinggal debu dan cat yang mengelupas. Semuanya jadi terlihat sama seperti saat saya baru pindah 8 tahun lalu. 

Rumah saya baru selesai dikosongin sekitar jam 12 siang dan rumah baru selesai didekor waktu hampir maghrib. Selesai beres-beres badan saya berasa remuk. Hari itu saya dekil dan menyedihkan.

Anyway, the new house is smaller. Actually, I don’t know whether the house that is small or our stuff that’s too much. Dari pertama kami niat pindahan, saya udah pengen banget ngebuang-buangin aja barang-barang lama yang udah ngga pernah dipake. Tapi Mama saya keukeuh nyimpen barang-barang itu dengan alasan masih bakal dipake kapan-kapan. Saya cuma geleng-geleng kepala. Sebelah mananya diktat kuliah perhotelan Papa saya masih bakal dipake?

Though our new house is smaller but this feels better : )